I’m sorry you had to deal with that, and glad it wasn’t a much worse experience.

On my side, I am an older guy now, I used to teach martial arts and volunteer coaching young men and then went on to be a mod of a big men’s subreddit for a spell, and the incel problem online is a lot worse than any of us realize. I think my peers at the time thought incels, redpill, MGTOW and all the other word-salad men’s groups online were a passing fad, a speedbumb on our path to the bright, shining future of better ideas and equality.

Holy shit were we all wrong. Humans are SO easy to exploit that I am legitimately concerned for our species’ entire future. We may not survive the internet broadly, and this is before even talking about how AI will accelerate the problem a thousand-fold.

I used to be very good at talking incels down. I had people send me follow-ups years later thanking me for saving their lives. It felt like I was doing good, but there was always more. So, so many more. I would focus on one young guy for weeks, talking and being there and listening and prying apart his world-views with gentle care, and often it would work, but that kid would be replaced by twenty more, each more obstinate and willfully ignorant than the last. They feed each other, they validate each other’s darkest feelings, and they spread because hate is contagious.

They think their “rising ranks” are some sign of truth or validity to their movement, but it’s just that simple trick that brains do, where they invent (or attach to) stories to explain their feelings. The more people feel insecure and scared, the more their brains will invent or latch onto stories to explain those feelings, and it’s created a cycle of reading/scrolling for explanations for their loneliness, connecting with dark stories about why they feel bad (“it’s the fault of THAT group!”) and then feeling worse, so digging deeper into that same narrative to guide their rumination. It’s so bad and so addictive that men and women alike are now having an impossible time breaking free from it and everyone feels horrible and nobody knows how to escape, so they invent even more stories to explain why they feel the way they do.

I don’t know the answer. I just keep telling people to get off the social internet as much as possible, every moment you’re scrolling/chatting for escape from despair is a moment you COULD be using to better yourself and your life in even the most modest ways.